The longer I have this blog the more I think I have less and less to say. So many books I’ve read lately, I walk away agreeing strongly with the words that they write but then I find myself discouraged from writing about the topics because well its already been said. If someone wants to read about it, I’d rather just point them to what I am reading or studying on the subject than to listen to me.
So what ends up happening is the things I write about are things that I have no understanding of. They are my thoughts usually before I dive into an issue and tear it apart. What you are reading usually happens before struggles, studying or any kinks have been worked out. I like it this way sometimes because this is when I am the most honest about everything. When my questions are the purest and my knowledge is minimal. I find I do this when I speak on Sundays also. I usually only enjoy taking speaking roles if I’m talking about something I’m currently working through.
I get bored of the same old arguments and conversations if no new ground has been discovered. This is what drove me crazy about Tyndale at times because I felt like very few people were being innovative and having conversations that were asking new questions and dealing with the world around them. It was the same old arguments of predestination, speaking in tongues, eternal security and so on. Not that there isn’t a place for those conversations, but they can only keep me interested for so long. I’m constantly changing and my viewpoints waver all the time, and so do the things I talk about. So this is sort of what my blog is like. It follows my train of thought and where my mind is working. I don’t want to keep it talking about the same stuff and never move past it.
Lately, over the past 6 months or so especially, after I write a post I find myself becoming very self conscious of it. I worry that other people are tired of reading the same old stuff. I worry that smarter people will read it and realize I’m not all that intelligent. I worry that my local friends will read it and think I’m crazy and talking about nothing that I’ve ever talked to them about. I worry that I’m wrong. I worry about the people that attend theStory and what they would think if they really knew what I thought. In some ways it stopped being a way for me to struggle through the preliminary feelings of different issues for me, and became more of a way to express myself to people and control the way they see me.
Maybe it’s just where I am at right now, and don’t have a lot of things to talk out loud about. I don’t want to feel like I have to keep my blog up to date to be up to date, which is why I keep my personal posts to a minimum, but then I find I throw them on there just as filler. Hopefully one day I’ll get more into a swing of things again where I’m constantly working my way through issue after issue and needing an outlet to struggle with my peers through them. In the meantime I hope you can enjoy the personal updates, occasional rants and random links.