Walking through the hallways of York makes you feel small. A school of over 40, 000 people is a new country compared to what I have ever been used to. I’m used to schools where I know 90% of the people that walk through the halls, and I’m usually in some type of leadership role or being put in front of these people a lot. At church I’m in leadership and I help run things, in organizations I’m usually up front doing something even with my friends I’m more of the instigator of what we do. I don’t say this to brag, it’s really not that much of a accomplishment, it’s just the personality that I’ve been given.
All this to say though that now I feel small. I feel unimportant, disposable and nothing more than a number. To be honest, that’s all I am at York. I find myself already looking for places to make my name known. I’ve grabbed the papers there to look to see if they take submissions, maybe I can get exposure that way. Sometimes I make jokes in class or try to stump the professor, maybe I’ll be known as the funny smart guy.
This is a good feeling. I find my flesh reacting against it at full force but I know deep down this is a good feeling. God is teaching me things here. For one he is showing me that I’m not as important and indispensable as I think I am. Organizations, churches, ministries, relationships and life can all happen without me here. He’s also showing me how much beyond my own life, life still exists. There are forty thousands people I don’t know, forty thousand stories that I have never heard and forty thousand hearts all beating in a rhythm that is different than mine. God is showing me that he is involved in all of these lives too, not just focused on me making sure my dreams come true. I’m part of a story much greater than myself.
God is still teaching me humility, to be content in my anonymity. He’s teaching me that my value and worth doesn’t come from who notices me or who approves. It’s ok to be in the background and backstage to other things sometimes; I don’t need to be in the spotlight to be doing my job correctly. Maybe some of us are called to be the quiet, in secret workers of the Kingdom of God. God is slowly laying out my role for me, showing me when to talk and when to shut-up, when to stand-up and let my voice be heard and when to be silent and just love people behind the scenes.
It’s humbling but I’m loving it anyway.
Your last line “it’s humbling but I’m loving it anyway” is offputting to me, because should we not see to humble ourselves? Do not look at it as a negative thing that you are learning to like, but as a positive thing that you are looking to seek. make sense?
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.