Yesterday was a long and tiresome day. Not because I didn’t enjoy it but more because of the nature of what it held. I work at an awesome Baptist church in Sarnia and we went on a staff retreat kinda thing for the day. The staff at this church are amazing. They are so easy to talk to and loveable and fun. Aaron, the youth pastor here, somehow managed to bail on the entire day which left me with very few options. So as I load into the vans, there is about twenty of us in total, I looked around in dismay. Besides the music pastor and his wife, everyone else must have at least doubled my age.
We got onto the vans and headed off to Beauty and the Beast a life theatrical musical. It was all right as far as my sense of theatre goes. I found myself between a lady I just met that day who was the wife of the children’s pastor who was singing along to the tunes throughout the show and the grandmother of Chip who was on stage (you know, the kid in the movie). She was reveling in pride of her grandson’s success and how he is only nine and has been doing stage performance since he was five. Throughout the show I only dosed off a few times and was suddenly awoken by applause between sets. My eyes scanned around me and I was convinced that schools had not let out yet because I was staring into the back of about two hundred grey heads. It must have been senior citizens day. They came off on buses and were shuffling, slowly, in and out of their seats.
As the play started I couldn’t help but notice Beauty, or Bell they call her through the play. She lived up to her name. She had long dark hair. Her dresses changed throughout the performance, but as they changed I think she only got more beautiful. Some sparkled; other had this plain look to them that was still just as attractive. What stood out most though was her smile. It never diminished. At times it may have grown larger, but it was never gone. There would be times where she would be angry or even sad but there was still something about her eyes or her glow that made me realize that she was genuinely smiling somewhere.
Then other characters started to stand out to me. They were all smiling. It was sort of odd. When they were dancing or they were singing or they were talking or if they were being a piece of furniture, they were all smiling. I couldn’t take it much longer. I have hard enough time getting across a genuine smile for the split second the picture takes let alone a two and a half hour performance. As the curtain was closing and they were bowing, smiles beaming bigger than ever, I couldn’t help but wonder if the smiles quickly faded with the lights.
Each of those performers now walked out of the fairy tale and into the real world with nothing more than a confidence boost and a lousy pay cheque. I almost felt bad for some of them. Even though I had no idea what lives they were walking into. I didn’t want to judge or assume, but odds are most of them weren’t really smiling like that. Heck, I don’t think I know anyone who can smile that big and really mean it.
Sometimes I wonder if my church/people smile is really all that I am. I’m kind of known around some churches in Sarnia now. I speak to youth and have worked at a few churches now and the drop-in and for some reason wherever I go I have a mic in front of me talking to people. I have this constant showman’s spirit now in front of people. I’m the nice kid who loves Jesus and is happy to do whatever you want me to do. I’ve perfected the Christian look to those who need to see it. When I’m around my grandparents or elders or pastors, I can be that perfect Christian boy who loves Jesus who’s got a fiery passion burning up within him and whose Holy Spirit in him is going to change his generation and get them away from chasing after the iniquities that binds them. Ok, sorry I got carried away. The point is I can become who I want to be for people so that they think I am successful. Growing up in church I’m pretty good at that. I am a perfect Paul, becoming all things to all people. Maybe I should have been on stage convincing people that I am a beast one second and then a charming prince the next.
How real am I supposed to be when I’m surrounded by Christians? Especially the ones that look up to as a leader. When I’m pissed off at something, should I express that to everyone? I don’t think so. I’m having a hard time though figuring out where that balance should be. I always said that I wanted to be the same person to my grandma as I am to my best friend as I am to my boss. I’m starting to realize though that maybe that’s not very probable. Some things some people don’t need to know. So does that mean I lack integrity? Where is the line? What is the balance?
Nathan, be yourself. Christians aren’t shiney happy people, we’re broken fools on our way to glory. Would not being a “perfect Christian” be a lie in and of itself, puncturing a hole in your facade? Now that I’ve said that, it doesn’t meant you have to be an ass and a jerk. Just be real.
much love,
E