When I wrote my last post I wanted to be especially careful because I know how important something like that is to people, including myself. So I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I changed the title of it because I don’t think the word selfish was the right word at all (as Enoch commented). Also, Rob made a good comment depending on their spiritual condition changes things drastically. I think I wrote it with the assumption that it was a live lived with Christ. Otherwise, that would change things drastically. Keep the comments coming though, it is better to have people comment that have walked that path before to give us a clearer understanding of something that touched us so deeply. I also think that when i use the term selfish i don’t mean it in a bad way necessarily. I just mean that it’s not really about them but when it comes down to it, it is about you. It is ok to greive and be sad and mourn, those aren’t bad things at all. How often though is it an honest concern for the person who died?
This is something I have experience in.
It’s hard to fully explain death or the effects of it on the living. It’s something like our relationship with God, not fully formalizable.
For myself, I know my emotions are not exactly rational all the time. The night it happened, I felt nothing for a while, then extreme anguish, like a limb being ripped off. But at the same time, I shared some very powerful moments with a few friends, and even laughed a bit (at trivial things). As time went on I’d cry when I’d remember I’d never see that person again (for the rest of my life on earth, that is, which is likely to be about 60 years or so). Every time I saw something that was connected to him, I would feel a pang of sorrow and sometimes cry. But I also had moments when nothing felt different, except for a surreal feeling because everything was the same except this person who meant more to me than any other human (excepting my mom, who he was equal to) was gone.
When I considered my faith, and what that means about death, I was sometimes comforted but sometimes not. Yes, I believe fully in the resurrection. Yet that doesn’t bring the person back right now. Even Jesus cried when Lazarus died, and we can’t attribute any sin (e.g. doubt, self-centeredness, etc.) to Him. I like how Calvin put it: our hope of God’s future kingdom does not make us blocks of wood. If it did there would be no virtue in dealing with pain, because there would be nothing to overcome. Instead, our hope allows us to perservere through the pain without giving way to utter despair. We come out the other side of it better people (at least, if we hold on to our hope in faith), like Jesus came out the other side of His crucifixion as glorified Man.
Today, after some time has past, different emotions will come out now and then. Most of the time I’m okay. When I recall him being gone, I remind myself of some things until I don’t feel so bad. First is always the resurrection. I also consider God’s sovereignty in the lives of men, and know that God took him for a good reason, both for him and for me. As well, I remember that I have family and friends in the body of Christ remaining on earth, and they are there to help me carry my burdens, as I am there for them. Finally I recall that I still have a purpose on earth, and my life must still be lived even though a close loved one is no longer with me on the journey.
I understand to a certain degree, but ultimately dislike the attitude that says “death is just a normal part of life”. Ecclesiastes does pick up on this a bit, but I think it brings up the inevitability of death to remind us that life is not really understandable to human minds, not to comfort us. I think the proper attitude to have towards death is the one that Paul and Jesus had: emnity. Death is our enemy. In fact it is the last enemey that God will destroy before He remakes the universe. We must always hate death and what it does to human beings, meanwhile holding on the the love and life that is found in Jesus. If we begin to treat death as if it were just part of “how it has to be”, then we start to contradict the Gospel itself. God hates it when His creatures die, more than we could ever do, even with our own loved ones. And that is why He crucified death itself.
i think alot of the pain associated with death is the unknown..not the unknown meaning will they go to heaven or hell…but the unknown in the moments before knowing the person had actually died..
when its someone really close to you..you might get a call, so you know somethings wrong and death is a possiblity but there is always hope for life in your mind. and you go to the hospital and they sit you in this room a very small room…and you wait and you wait and in your mind you just want to know…are they alive or dead..you just need to know so you can deal with the situation..its the fear of the unknown that makes your mind work overtime..
and grief just doest consume your mind for the time being then poof its gone. it lingers, you think its gone and your ok with everything..then something will trigger your memory..
you will see something you both shared interest in and you will look for your loved one, to share that moment with..and wham you remember…there will be no more moments like that..
What about death being the God-ordained penalty for sin? Once upon a time Keith Brooks and I went to a funeral for a man in the church that we at that time were members of who we didn’t enjoy specifically (yes, I’m capable of this type of honesty). Both of us cried pretty hard that day not because we would miss him (and we did). We crieed because he died after a full year of being unemployed with 4 small girls, a wife who didn’t work and a house to pay off. I guess in some respencts death has yet to loose its sting.
Death isn’t good. It’s an unfortunate part of our lives because of sin (Romans 3:23). Yes, we’re free free from it. But we still die, and thus I will never try to illegitimize people’s legitimate grief be telling them that they’ll see their loved ones again. Yesm there’s hope. But in order to grasp the hope there must be dispair.
Nathan, I do agree with you and I too have the exact same thoughts. But the problem here is applying that to a person (or even yourself) when death does occur. I dont know why we always try to figure stuff out as though when someone dies we are automatically going to be relieved because of the knowledge we have about death. I dont think things would go over well if I was to hug a person in mourning and whisper in there ear your being selfish right now, I think you need to understand that etc.
Rob, I love you buddy! I defiantly think you have the money comment! If we truly believed in heaven and hell (as weird as that seems to say) but if we truly believed in both, then I look at a Christians death as a celebration and if anything a sense of jealousy might be present at the funeral/party because my fallen comrade is now in the presence of the creator of the universe. Try asking your fallen friend if he would want to come back down to earth to relieve the pain you have for them. If anything, I am sure he is standing in heaven saying dont mourn for me, celebrate and rejoice for you get to join me soon!
On the flip side, the death of a non-Christian (if we truly believe in heaven and hell) would be a time of intense mourning. I watched a drama by the bethel youth group last night and the view they had on hell was quite disturbing. If hell is anything like the display I encountered last night then I think at a funeral we must be shaking our head going damn, I dropped the ball, I had the cup of life to offer and did not give. Maybe you did offer it and they refused which would cause even more grieve. Now thats mourning; when you mourn for them, and not for you.
Ultimately, I have not encountered a close lose and I speak of ignorance on this topic. I dont think I would I would be relieved that a friend had pasted just because I have a certain point of view on death. I would mourn, I would cry, I would be upset. Call it selfish; then so be it. Lose hurts and I have complete sympathy for anyone who experiences it.
Peace.