Be Honest and Feel Horrible

Last year I was hanging out with my cousin under the bridge. She’s from the USA and she’s obsessed with our French fries and the view under the bridge that leads over to the States. We were talking about the university life and telling stories. It was a good time. I forget exactly where the conversation went to, but I remember it had something to do with alcohol or something like that. She made a comment that sits with me to this day/ “You know Nathan, when I first knew you, I couldn’t talk to you about any of this kind of stuff. You were like a too good Christian or something.”

That scared me a bit. Sure last time we talked I was probably only fourteen of fifteen, but I can’t believe I was like that. I still vaguely remember those days. I prided myself in the act that I had never touched alcohol, tried smoking or done drugs. I was still a virgin. I still had it all together. Those that didn’t, well that is unfortunate for them. I didn’t have anger towards them or any kind of rudeness, at least not intentionally. Instead I felt a sense of superiority. This superiority is almost always translated, and can also be known as being judgmental. I was like the kind of people I’m scared of now. I don’t want to talk to someone who will judge my actions and make conclusions about my character because of a way I think or act.

The last thing I want to be is a judgmental Christian: someone who thinks they have it all together and thinks they are God’s gift to all Christians to help them get to where I am. It’s easy to think like that though. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea of superiority because we don’t sin in one area or something stupid like that.

There is another thing about me that I wondered about. Why am I so apprehensive to be honest about my feelings? I started this blog thinking it would be a great outlet for me to ask questions and post thoughts that are going on in my head. It turned out to me just posting creative ideas, which I love doing but I’m almost selling myself out. Why? It’s because I’m afraid of what people will think. What? Nathan is afraid of what people will think. Well…yes. If I told you that I question God’s existence yesterday, I’m afraid of what that will do to my reputation. Nathan isn’t as solid as you think I am. I like when people think I’m spiritually fit.

What if I told you that I didn’t think abortion was all that bad? Or that homosexuality isn’t really a big deal. What if I said that I didn’t think the Bible was the Word of God or that I thought speaking in tongues was a made-up emotional concept that we abuse? I guarantee you I would have a lot of people thinking twice about my Christianity. Not only that I would slowly begin to lose the respect of the youth and leaders in Sarnia. I’m not saying I think any of these things. That’s not the point. The point is, is that I feel a very heavy burden to be honest with my thoughts as they come to me, but the burden of my need to keep me reputation seems to out weigh it.

Its unbelievable how being honest can terrify me so much. What honesty does is make people feel uncomfortable. Honesty about these kinds of topics makes people question something that they never thought had to be question. It brings people back to their foundation and asks if it is really a foundation at all. Being honest will make you lose friends; well not your real ones. It will show you how fake of lives we are all really living. No one wants to be honest about their sinful nature. No one wants to tell you about their weaknesses. There is no glory in that. We only want to brag about our accomplishments and strengths. Then at least we feel better about ourselves. At least our sore points are hidden.

I remember when I first asked someone why the Bible is the Word of God. By the end of the conversation there was yelling and the conclusion given to me was to just take it by faith. I realized then how hard it was going to be in the future to be honest about everything. Even though it’s hard. Even though most people will get freaked out and probably either yell at me or be sad because they think I’ve lost my faith; I have to stay honest. We can’t allow people to think we have it all together. It’s not real. I have so little answers anymore. I feel like I’m growing in the ability to point people in the right direction. However, I’m having less and less absolute answers to give to people. That’s good though. I point them to Christ every time, because He is the only absolutes. Not my feeble misunderstood and unintelligent words.