As I sat in front of Mac’s, the rest of the guys were in the store stalking up on caffeine, I let my mind wander for a few moments. It was a crazy night tonight. Three full wedgies to Steve, Darryl and Nathan Shurr. One, maybe two, close concussions. Cheap beer made in Waterloo. A few jokes. Some nasty smells. A whole 2 lite bottle of Pepsi for myself. A walk in the middle of the night. Some demon stories and lots of James Bond for N64. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to be part of this night. Back to my mind wandering.
I was sitting outside Mac’s and I couldn’t stop thinking about certain issues in my life; some of my vices. Some that have been there since the beginning of the year, some that I only recognized today and others that go back as far as I remember. I go through phases, I don’t know if this is ordinary, or if it’s just me. Sometimes I will go months without even falling prey to these things once. I never think about them, they don’t have any control over me. Then out of nowhere, one lousy conversation, one night alone or one bad mark and my mind starts spinning in a downward spiraling motion and out of nowhere the streak is over and I’m struggling with the same things all over again like i never stopped in the first place.
I go through these motions with a lot of different things. Lust probably being the biggest one, gossip, pride is a tough one or judging others. Whatever the problem may be, I can’t seem to ever get to a point in my life where I can say I’ve fully mastered it. Sure, I’ll go months without screwing up in any of those areas and then something will happen and I’m right back in it again.
Why? I don’t want to make up any excuses. I don’t want to try and say ‘it’s ok I’m saved by grace.’ I know every cliché and non-cliché answer. I don’t want answers. I just want it to stop. Sometimes it gets so bad, I actually look forward (subconsciously of course) to the next time I can gossip, or brag about my accomplishments or look at a girl with lust. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of wanting sin more than I want God at times. I sick of choosing self gratification over serving my Lord.
I know it’s only on his strength we can overcome anything, and honestly I’ve been waiting for his strength to kick in for quite sometime now. Especially now. When exams are here and everything that you can imagine is all piling up on me. Life-changing decisions, job choices, exams, assignments due, family issues, financial problems and trying to find people to sublet our apartment (if you are looking for a place to say for the months of May01-Aug31 in Toronto call me, 416.225.7805), all these things only make me want the self gratifying moments more. All these things only make me hate when I give into them more. I absolutely HATE screwing up the way I do, the same way I have been for the last ten years.
Maybe this is one of those things where there is no answer. You could tell me that my relationship with my God isn’t in tact; that I need to read my bible more or spend more time in prayer. Or how about the classic fill up my time with other things like helping people or volunteering, because surely when you are doing good things your heart won’t desire bad things. Or I could pray about missionaries in China every time I’m tempted to sin, maybe that will work. I could write this dumb blog. I could have accountability partners. I could tell everyone I know I don’t want to gossip. I could take cold showers. I could tape my mouth shut or cut off my hands.
Why does it seem like none of these things do justice anymore? Why does it feel like there is absolutely know way to eliminate these vices from my life? God get rid of them for us all. Lead us not into temptation. Forgive us from evil. Strengthen us, and give us the power to stand strong and find out way out and want to find out way out of situations that we shouldn’t be in. God help me. God help us all.
I’m totally with you on being sick of the perfect answers, though some of them might work for some people. For me when I’m not giving into the temptation (which isn’t very often) I remember that God said he’ll never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. To me that says we have no excuse, there’s always a way out, we don’t need to do anything to not do it, really we need to search for the way out, and not give in to the temptation.
I know probably more than anyone how hard it is to look at it like that, but I mean, for me it’s the real answer. Just don’t do it, God said he won’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, therefore, we have absolutely no excuse to do it.
During my Tyndale days I used to be obcessed with fighting sin. I used to carry around cards with Bible-verses on them to distract me from sin. I used to spend hours writing in a journal, in introspection figuing out the psychology of my sin. I treated sin as though it were an obstacle to be overcome until I realized that I’m the only obstacle.
There’s no magic trick or formula to be learned. We, in my view, only need to understand that we’re complete and sinless in Jesus. Once this had been realized the only thing there is for us to “do” is get up and move on.
Although I met you very briefly, not under the most comfortable circumstances, I’ll try to remember you in prayer.
I have no answers for you Nate. What Kevin said above sounds good, but I really don’t know. I simply have no answers. I wish I did.
Man I’m proud that you put yourself out there with this. It isn’t easy to live a transparent life, good work man. And if anyone comes up with a grand answer for all of this then let me know. I’m ready to hear that advice myself.
Hi Nate,
Haven’t stopped by in a while… but let me say that I’m exactly in the same boat right now. I am frustrated with sin, cliche answers, and above all: running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Summer plans, finances, school decisions, jobs, etc… These are things that are not exclusive to you, friend.
Take some comfort in knowing that God knows your limits and he won’t give you too much that you can’t handle it.
Looking forward to seeing you in Halifax in the summer pal :)
Kev. (formerly of #449, now of the left coast)
PS. Tom – give me an e-mail, I’d love to hear from you ([email protected])
Lord have mercy on Your sons! Help us to remember Your strength amongst our weakness. Be present in the situations we’re confronted with, and help us to submit to You as You take over. You know we’re shitty and need you without compare. Come quickly Lord!
Your “blog’s” better than Darryl’s cause you don’t gotta sign up for some cracked-ass account to post replies. Bless the child!
We often quote this scripture as Christians “There is therefor now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. We often leave out what follows…”who walk not after the flesh but after the spirit”.
Good Post Nate! Probably the best one I have ever read. You are dead honest and basicly state every young mans battle from the ages of 17-25.
Like the boys above said, there is no perfect answer. Roman 7 talks about this exact issue. Paul and us are very much alike.
“14The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. 15I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.”
I don’t have a problem with someone who sins, I have a problem with someone who thinks it’s ok to sin. There is a world of a difference.