Loneliness

I said it before, and yet for some reason I feel the need to say it again. Loneliness is taking its toll on me. This is quite a strange feeling for me, and I’m very cautious of talking about. I don’t want to make it into a big deal because then it looks like I’m crying out for attention and pity and for friends; which is the last things I’m doing. This is a feeling that is new to me, one that terrifies me and brings me lots of uneasiness. I don’t even know if what I’m experiencing is loneliness, maybe it’s something else; maybe it goes deeper than that, this is really the only thing I can think of that it could be right now.

For some reason, churches teach us that we aren’t supposed to be lonely. We tell the unbelievers that when they get saved that the ‘God-shaped hole’ (song by Audio Adrenaline) will be filled and they will never be lonely again. Lonely Christians must be doing something wrong, their relationship in God must be lacking. I don’t really know where we get the whole idea of God-is-everything-I-need talk. The song Enough by Chris Tomlin doesn’t really resonate with my experiences, in fact it doesn’t really resonate with the experiences of most people in the bible. Even Adam (before the fall) was with God in perfect communion and God knew it wasn’t good for him to be alone. (Gen 2:18) Paul seemed to have similar feelings:

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8.19-25).

It’s not even that I don’t have friends around. I live in Toronto with four of the greatest guys. When I’m in Sarnia I have an amazing family and I am surrounded by all of my friends every day. If I wanted to be, I could be constantly surrounded by people that care for me and I care for them 24/7. Yet for some reason that doesn’t seem to satisfy me anymore. I find myself getting annoyed with people very easily, people that I care for deeply. I find myself wanting to be alone more often than not. This is an odd season for me, one that I’m trying desperately to understand. Part of me wants to blame it on my singleness. My four closest guy friends all have fiancé’s or girlfriends. Typically whenever I hang out with any of them, the girl is next to them. That would be easy to pawn off, but I think it’s deeper than that. I could blame it on my family, always busy and working and never spending time with each other, yet I don’t think that it either. I could blame it on the lack of time I have spent in the Bible, and most Christians reading this will think that that’s why, nevertheless I know that’s not why either.

My first urge when I feel like this is to find a girl that I feelings for and spend time with her. It’s as if I’m trying to fill this void with a girl. So I find myself spending an abnormal amount of time thinking about and spending time with girls. Not that this is a bad thing, I enjoy my time a lot, but it seems that I’m trying to fill something. If you have ever seen the movie Saved, Macaulay Culkin is talking about having a girl and this is what he says. “I never want to be the type of guy that has a girl because he needs her, I want to be the type of guy that has a girl because he needs her.” I’m the same, I refuse to allow these feelings of loneliness to drive me to a girl for fulfillment, I want to go after a girl because there I want her more than anything else and I will be able to offer a fulfilled self to her and not a lacking self that only she can fulfill.

So, I resorted to spending time with friends. If I just hang out with my friends all the time, maybe that will take these feelings away. Surprisingly, they only made them stronger. I was surrounded by people that cared about me and I cared about and yet I felt lonelier than ever. Did you know that Christmas time is when the most suicides occur? There is something about family time and friend’s time that either encourage you or ruin you.

Looking through the bible, there are many stories of people that God left alone. Abraham was left alone on the heights of Horeb, Moses spent forty years in the desert, Paul went to Arabia to learn about his God. I find myself now in one of those places, alone, yet I’m surrounded by people. During this time I get more frustrated than I should at events that go on around the world, about the state of the churches in my city and the state of lives that I see all around me. I can relate with Paul more than ever now because I myself am groaning for Christ’s second return, and when his order will be set back in place. A female won’t take this feeling away, the bestest of friends won’t either, a family who loves you won’t. The only thing that will ever satisfy this longing is Christ’s return.

So I will live in hope, and live in faith, and I will be content living like that. If I have to go through these dry seasons, I will do so for it is in these seasons when God reveals to me so much about the mysteries of himself. It is in the pain of being without that I realize that I am with everything I need. It’s funny how God works these things out in me; my life is a living paradox. It’s not until I am lonely do I realize that I am not alone, yet I still feel lonely. May God give us peace beyond our understanding and comfort beyond reality.